It’s fall! Halloween is coming. To get into the spirit of that creepy holiday, I thought I’d write about the “walking dead”, or zombies. What if a virus spreads that causes people to become flesh-craving zombies? How can writers survive a zombie apocalypse and write a best-selling novel about it?
They probably won’t. Most writers will waste too much time grabbing their manuscripts, notes, and favorite books to escape the undead crowd. You can’t run from a pack of zombies with your arms full of books. If the websites that say a zombie outbreak will last two weeks to a month before the virus that caused it dies out are correct, what else can writers do but create a zombie-proof library to hide in until the outbreak is over?
Watching people fight over toilet paper during the 2020 pandemic reminded me of a zombie movie. You know, the ones you watch to see who will survive at the end. I’ve even taken a “Can you survive in a horror movie” quiz. No, I can’t. I’m the person who figures out who the killer is at the end but dies anyway because I have to tell everyone.
Lucky for me, I’m married to the guy who does survive. He’s the strong, silent, can-fix-almost-anything type who takes out the zombies. Great guy to have in a crisis. He would be the one leading a group into the mountains to survive. Me, not so much. I would be rushing around trying to pack my entire library in a backpack for him to carry. Definite zombie food. But if I prepared a room in advance for a zombie attack, I wouldn’t need to head for the hills (apparently, zombies don’t climb well). I could just head for my zombie-proof safe room. This is how writers should prepare for a zombie apocalypse.
1. Create A Safe Room
First, pick a room in your house with few or no windows and a small attached bathroom. If necessary, take over the biggest bedroom. Get rid of most of the furniture and board up all the windows. Keep a few chairs and a table, a small sofa or bed to sleep on, and whatever furniture you need to write comfortably. Clear out most of the room to create more space for bookshelves. Here’s where the National Geographic Kids’ guide recommends you go to survive an apocalypse.
2. Fill It With Books
Now, build or move as many bookshelves as possible into the room. Create a Beauty and the Beast mini library with shelves and shelves of books. Fill those shelves with the books you’ve been hoarding over the years. Finally, a place to put all your books. No more stacks by the bed or books used as tables in the living room. Besides books, remember to save a couple of shelves for food supplies.
3. Stock Up On Food And Water
Create a month-long food and water supply. Remember, your microwave or stove will go out if the electricity fails. Instead, plan on eating canned goods and junk food that do not need heating. Buy a year’s supply of protein bars and pop tarts and live off those for a few weeks. It will be like college, except there is no ramen to eat. Of course, you could heat your noodles over a candle. But don’t plan on using a propane stove or fireplace. Where will the smoke or fumes go? However, if it’s freezing where you live, you might want a fireplace with a year’s wood supply to keep burning day and night so zombies don’t climb down your chimney. (Maybe some zombies can climb?)
Most of all, you need as much water as you can store for drinking and cleaning. If everyone is getting eaten by zombies, water and electricity will be shut off. Store extra water to make instant coffee or tea. It will be cold, but at least you’ll have some caffeine to sip as you write. Don’t forget a first aid kit and extra medicine. With the windows boarded up, you will need candles or battery-powered lanterns for light.
4. Get In Shape
I don’t mean physical shape unless exercise is your thing. Then, you can just outrun the zombies, but you need to practice running with your arms full of books. No, get ready for all that reading and writing you’ll be doing. No social media, no pizza runs, nothing to do but read and write. You’ll be forced to finish that novel, finally. But wait, your glasses broke (Holy Twilight Zone episode, Batman), or your contacts dried out. Now what? Store extra glasses, contacts, or magnifying glasses in your safe room. Click here to learn about the Twilight Zone episode every writer should watch.
Your computer will be useless, so get an old typewriter (look that one up, kids) or lots of notebooks and pens (don’t forget emergency pencils and hand sharpeners) to keep on writing. Practice with these before the apocalypse begins, and don’t forget to stock up on typewriter paper and ink ribbons.
Without a computer, you’ll have to look up spelling, dates, and other information in a book. You have at least one dictionary, thesaurus, atlas, and history book in your book collection, right? Researching using books can be fun once you get used to the work of searching for results instead of letting the computer do it for you. If you don’t have these books, used bookstores are a great source for them. Or, you can invite homeschoolers into your safe room. They have a fabulous supply of textbooks and research books.
5. Prepare For Company
Since you’re the only one who thought ahead, your family and friends will beg to join you. After you invite homeschoolers and their library inside, you can consider letting in your family. Prepare your shelter with additional supplies of food and water. Also, prepare ahead of time with lots of board games and toys to entertain them while you write. Don’t forget earplugs or headphones to drown out their noise as you work.
If your cats or dogs don’t run off at the first sight of zombies, lure them into the safe room with treats. Plan ahead and have a bed, their favorite toys, and a food supply for your pets to keep you company. I haven’t figured out the litter box problem yet. Maybe a doggy door that’s too small for zombies?
6. Invest In A Ham Radio
Amateur radio will be a lifesaver for writers if the zombies are around longer than a couple of weeks. Eventually, you will finish your novel and need some feedback from professionals. Or, you will read all your books and need something new to read. Don’t pry the boards off the door, and loot the downtown library for new reading material. A zombie librarian will shush you and then eat your brains.
You won’t need to leave your safe room with a radio. Call your publisher, editor, or fellow writers and read your novel to them on your ham radio. To make it more interesting, learn Morse code. Then, send your book in code and let the other writers decode it. They’ll get revenge by sending you feedback or their latest work. Are you interested in learning more about ham radios?
7. Write About The Experience
Finally, keeping diaries or journals about the zombie attack will give you enough material for a book or two. Use all your experiences to write the next great American survival novel. Don’t forget to give me credit for helping you prepare.
Seriously, I don’t think a zombie apocalypse is imminent. But the idea of locking myself in my library safe room for a couple of weeks is tempting. Maybe zombies aren’t waiting outside to eat my brains. Still, it would force me to get more writing done. I’m keeping my safe room plan just in case.
How do you think writers could survive a zombie apocalypse? Would you run or hide? What would you put in your safe room? Comment below and let me know what you think.